photo: Artem Chekh
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Ukrainian writer Artem Chekh shares his feelings of fighting at the front. In particular, he says accepting the likelihood of dying in war makes him stronger, more balanced and free.
I’ve been talking a lot about death lately. Namely, dying in the war. I mean, about such a possibility. Probability. Readiness, after all. This acceptance is reassuring. Moreover, it makes you bolder, stronger, more balanced. Not everyone is ready for this. Not everyone needs it. And not everyone should.
But it gives freedom. Accepted – and you’re calmed down. Say this in your head, agree with your fears – and you’re free. Strong and balanced.
First was the first night of the war. I accepted the possibility of dying as a probability. Then, I thought about it a lot, but somehow drove away these thoughts. Still, I visited Sasha Makhov’s page every day [journalist Oleksandr Makhov died on May 4 during the shelling near Izyum.] I knew where he was. And I was glad to see one of his posts. He sighed with relief. I focused on his life.
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Then, everything ended. And I finally accepted death in this war as almost inevitable. Okay, so it will be. Or it won’t. And if there is – there is nothing wrong with that. There’s even something cute about that. Strange as it may sound.
Globally, I’m not scared for a long time, and it is perceived as a matter of time. As a matter of conscience, in part.
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This war will be enough for everyone. And I am not worthy to retreat. So it will be this way.
None of my acquaintances (loved ones, relatives, comrades in arms) almost never touch on this topic. A totem, scary topic. To distract. Not to summon it. And I say. Everyone else in response: you will not die.
OK. I will not die. Let it be so. Or not.
But I finally felt free. And strong. And balanced.
By Artem Chekh, translated by Vitalii Holich
The author’s column is a reflection of the author’s subjective position. The editorial board of «Your City» does not always share the views expressed in the columns, and is ready to give dissenters the opportunity for a reasoned answer.
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